


Sensitive Dark Lords & Rainbow Unicorns

by FandomKinks (BrightneeBee)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Body Swap, Crack, Crack Fic, Hermione Granger/Sirius Black relationship, Hermione is Dark, Multi, Murder, Rainbow Unicorns, Sort Of, Voldemort is Sensitive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:20:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26354080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightneeBee/pseuds/FandomKinks
Summary: Prompt:The Welsh countryside was strange in the eerie hours of the morning."Charlie!" Hermione shrieked, struggling against the full-body bind. The ropes rubbed against her skin, raw and red and burning, and she knew they must be harming Luna, as well. The two women were tied together, after all. "Charlie, I'm sorry!"Luna was crying, quietly. It was obvious that the young woman would never recover from what was about to happen. It was all Hermione's fault. She thought it would be safe to harvest potions ingredients in Wales, untouched by the war. No one could have foretold that Voldemort would show up, prepared for a small battle with a dozen Death Eaters, including Draco Malfoy and Theo Nott."Luna, don't look... Don't-" But Hermione was cut off by the flash of emerald green signifying that Charlie had been executed already. At least he had been given a quick, merciful death. No pain."Now that we've taken care of the blood traitor," hissed Voldemort, turning those cold, crimson eyes on Hermione. "I've been searching for you for quite some time, Mudblood..."
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Tom Riddle
Kudos: 14





	Sensitive Dark Lords & Rainbow Unicorns

**SENSITIVE DARK LORDS & RAINBOW UNICORNS**

  
  


The Welsh countryside was strange in the eerie hours of the morning. 

"Charlie!" Hermione shrieked, struggling against the full-body bind. The ropes rubbed against her skin, raw and red and burning, and she knew they must be harming Luna, as well. The two women were tied together, after all. "Charlie, I'm sorry!" 

Luna was crying, quietly. It was obvious that the young woman would never recover from what was about to happen. It was all Hermione's fault. She thought it would be safe to harvest potions ingredients in Wales, untouched by the war. No one could have foretold that Voldemort would show up, prepared for a small battle with a dozen Death Eaters, including Draco Malfoy and Theo Nott. 

"Luna, don't look... Don't-" But Hermione was cut off by the flash of emerald green signifying that Charlie had been executed already. At least he had been given a quick, merciful death. No pain.

"Now that we've taken care of the blood traitor," hissed Voldemort, turning those cold, crimson eyes on Hermione. "I've been searching for you for quite some time, Mudblood..."

* * *

Hermione felt a cold shiver run down her spine. 

'I'm intrigued to know exactly how you managed to best Bella.'

* * *

A look of panic flashed across her face, and she thought, Oh, shit.

* * *

"Let Luna go and I will tell you anything you want to know." She said as she rose her chin to look up into Voldemort's deadly red eyes.

* * *

Her heart was racing. It was so god damned typical that the one time she finally managed to slip away to go try out her tweaks to that ritual she'd found in the black library a few summers ago, would be the moment fucking Bellatrix Lestrange would find her.

She'd gotten away but found herself with a vengeful dark lord hunting her.

This was all her fault. She would never forgive herself if Luna suffered for her foolishness in playing around with things she really should know better than toying with.

* * *

"Oh, you're an infuriatingly clever one, Mudblood. How... Gryffindor of you. Why would I allow prime leverage to simply walk free?" Voldemort grinned. Turning to his Death Eaters, he ordered, "Malfoy. Nott. Take them to the manor. I would have them secured in a suite connected to mine. No windows, no doors. Tie them to the bed posts and layer it with a sticking charm, if you must. It's simple enough for you two to manage, correct?" 

Hermione watched as both her former school mates - bullies - nodded vigorously, and wondered fleetingly why they looked terrified and ashamed. It lasted all of a nanosecond before she was filled to bursting with fear. Not Malfoy Manor. She couldn't go back.

"Uhm... Which manor, my Lord?" Draco asked, sheepishly. The man was shrinking in on himself more than he had the second his master turned those vicious eyes on him. "There... There are so many?" 

Voldemort actually rolled his eyes at the pair. "Are we not in Wales, Malfoy? Is our base of operations not a mere brisk skip away?" 

"Oh..." 

Theo Nott was agile enough to rush forward and grab the women's exposed hands, twisting into that impossibly tight tube of space called Apparition, before Voldemort finished raising his wand, the lethal tip aimed at Draco.

* * *

However, Nott had made one tiny oversight in his haste to get out of there and leave Draco behind. He was now alone, having to control two witches who had absolutely no plans whatsoever to cooperate.

It didn't take Luna long before focusing Nott's attention on non-existing creatures she was seeing. While Luna freaked out convincingly, Hermione wandlessly undid her binds and stunned Theo.

"Oh, the sweeping maggots must've been his fault," Luna said dreamily. "They're gone now."

"Yes, they are," Hermione replied grimly.

The room they were in had indeed no doors or windows, but she could feel the wards pulsing and there was a way through.

If you knew what to look for.

And she did.

With a flick of her wrist, she dumped Theo on the bed, nicked his wand, positioned him just like Voldemort had wanted, and stuck a note on his chest.

This is how.

She grabbed Luna's hand.

"Hold on. I have to find the rhythm before disapparating." 

Luna nodded solemnly. 

"One two three four, one one one two three four, one two three four."

"They're all dead," Luna said.

"Luna, please, I have to focus or we are, too."

"One two three four one one one," Hermione tapped her foot with the beat. A dark mist emitted from her, surrounding them fully. 

When she caught the moment, she disapparated them to their closest safehouse with an almost silent crack. 

"Hermione 1 - Voldemort 0," she thought, satisfied

* * *

Once they landed and she could feel the safety of their own magic once again, she turned back to her blond friend.

Luna's previously unfocused gaze was sharp as they're eyes met. She knew before she even attempted to mutter an apologize that none was needed for dragging her into this so instead she settled for, "Who all died?"

Watching the slow, lethal grin across her face was as satisfying as it was taking her to complete the ritual.

* * *

The door flung open and he stormed into the room. He swept her up in his arms and kissed her, hard, on the mouth. 

"Sirus!," she squealed, wiggling out of his tight grip. The older wizard clung to her. 

"I've been searching everywhere for you," he swore. Hermione stepped away, brushing her hair back. Her ritual had worked in one sense. Sirius had been brought back over the veil. As a famous hit wizard, and with the Ministry in disarray, Sirius would be a lethal weapon in their arsenal.

* * *

"Luna! Come on!" Hermione squealed, brushing her nose against his in excitement. "Our Sirius is back! Who's our sexy pup-pup?!"

"And who're my lovely kittens?" Sirius purred, pulling Luna in for a sensual kiss, as well, full of mischievous adventure and passion. It was something purely Sirius. "I've missed you, both." 

"Incoming," Luna hummed, content sandwiched between Hermione and Sirius. "Non-threat..." 

How does she do that? Hermione wondered, letting Sirius shield them and aim his wand at the door.

* * *

When the pop occurred, her eyes widened.

"CROOKSHANKS! YOU'RE ALIVE!"

Hermione pushed past Sirius and picked up her purring cat, hugging him to her chest.

"Oh, sweetie, where have you been? I thought I'd lost you."

That was when she saw the note dangling from Crooks' collar.

* * *

"SURPRISE!" was written on the note. 

Suddenly, Crookshanks disappeared with a poof, and in his place stood none other than -

"Hello! Are you another fan of mine?" Gilderoy Lockhart asked with a megawatts smile.

Hermione stared at him, stunned, not quite remembering that she was still hugging him tight to her chest until Luna spoke up.

"What's that on his shoulder?"

Hermione's eyes flickered over to it and the answer came out of her mouth before it fully registered in her mind.

"It's a GPS device, a Muggle technology that lets you track something ..."

"Some-" Before Luna could finish her sentence, the door crashed open, and the intruder shot Hermione a smug smirk.

* * *

"Wrong franchise, Kylo Ren," Hermione snapped at him.

"But today is ou-"

Flames burned from her chest to the top of her head. She didn't need everyone to know her side gig.

"It is Wednesday."

"Oh," he scratched his head, "got these earth days confused. So tomorrow then?"

Merlin, could these dark guys be any less obvious?

"Yes," she sighed, happy to see him zoom away on his speeder.

* * *

Voldemort paced most of the night, still bursting with rage. Even after cursing his followers to an inch if their lives, that frizzy haired Mudblood still plagued his thoughts. 

“Be damned!” He hissed to the empty confines of his damp, humid lair. Slashing his wand through the air, he began systematically destroying the furniture. “What the hell does that witch know!” 

In the irritatingly sunny morning hours, the Dark Lord threw himself onto the overly plush mattress of his bed, kicking his legs as he screamed his frustrations into a daisy embroidered pillow. 

Sleep came later, closer to noon, but he curled under the plush covers of his favorite yellow duvet. Clutching his cherished unicorn plushie tightly to his chest, Voldemort frowned with the lack of knowledge of what Hermione bloody Granger had managed to accomplish, as well as the deep, cutting failure of being bested yet again. 

Eventually, he drifted off into a restless sleep plagued by the ghosting smirk on that damned Mudblood’s face.

* * *

Hermione accepted Sirius's morning kiss while she mixed cream into her tea. As Sirius bent down to kiss her again, there was a bright flash of light and a clap of thunder. A young man, lithe and tall with a mess of black curls and burnt civilizations in his eyes, glared at them. He clenched a time turner in his fist. 

"Hermione how could you?" he demanded, voice wavering.

* * *

Hermione dropped the jug of cream in surprise as seeing this stranger in her kitchen, spilling the white liquid across the table as Sirius jumped in front of her wand drawn.

* * *

A wave of the dark stranger's hand and Sirius flew through the air, crashing into the kitchen cabinets and plummeting to the ground, unconscious.

Hermione gasped and rose from her chair, slapping her hands on the table.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle, do you really need to knock out people around me every single time you decide to pop in because you fancy a fuck!"

Tom's eyebrows raised. "I had no idea you fancied an audience, but that can be arranged." 

He pressed his dark mark and pops sounded all around them. Her kitchen filled with his Knights. 

"Better?" he taunted, magically throwing her on the table, legs spread and naked before him.

* * *

Hermione growled at him and accio'd her wand. Riddle caught it mid air and crawled over her. 

"I know all about you, Hermione," he purred. 

"How can you, when you can't even find my clit?" she snapped. Riddle's eyes widened and he darted his fingers between her legs, vainly looking to please her. As she laughed, he seethed and draped the time turned over her, spinning the dial. The landscape spun and they landed in the Great Hall. Where children were eating. 

"Oh my," said an old man, a headmaster who wasn't Dumbledore. 

"Looks like we get to arrange a marriage!" shouted a witch and cheers went up. 

* * *

“And Barnaby the Unicorn shall bless the union!” Tom groaned, grinding against Hermione’s hip.

* * *

"What the fuck," Hermione said staring at all the unicorns flying over, farting rainbows everywhere.

Did she have too much of the old firewhiskey last night?

Or was this a hallucination?

"Who the hell are you?" Tom said, looking directly at the headmaster, while his cock was still buried deep inside of her. He was at least lying fully over her body, covering her somewhat from view. 

"Aren't you supposed to know," Hermione said, frustrated.

"Blessed be the fruit," was being chanted all around them. "Blessed be the fruit."

"What year is this?" Tom demanded, staring around.

Everyone wore red. He didn't see any signs of the Hogwarts houses. 

The unknown headmaster shook his head.

"Blasphemy is here. Only outliers wouldn't know the time is of 305 AV."

Audiovisual?

Whenever they were, Hermione didnt like the sound of it. She grabbed the turner dangling from Tom's neck and gave it a swirl.

"Witchcraft!" she heard shouting as they vanished with a whirl.

She clutched tightly to Riddle. His face furious for whatever reason. With a thud they smacked into a clearing.

Oh no, more trees. She was never going camping ever again.

Riddle looked down at her. "You dare-"

"Oh, shut it. You had no idea where you took us to and you can't tell me you liked the sound of those weirdos?"

He grinded his hips harshly against hers,causing a gasp to leave her lips.

"This insolent body is mine, Hermione Granger, and you will service me as you vowed upon. There is no place in time you can hide yourself from me. I-"

She sighed loudly. "Are you ever going to stop babbling and fuck me, Riddle, or are you incapable of finishing?"

* * *

''Really Tommy, it's rude to keep the lady waiting''

Hermione screamed. The actual fuck? 

The flying unicorn plushie continued to speak, ''Really, we've talked about this before''

Tom's head sagged in defeat. He was never going to get off at this rate. Fucking Barnaby.

* * *

“For fuck’s sake, Riddle!” Hermione snarled, muttering several spells as she flipped their positions. “If you can’t keep it up, I’ll bloody show you how to properly fuck a woman!”

There was an uneasy ripple of magic that twisted his stomach. He clenched his eyes, disliking the way it felt as though his body had changed, or his consciousness was seeping up through a hyperactive rush of constant thought. It was unsettling and nauseating, which for Tom Riddle was a first. 

When he finally opened his eyes, it was to see himself - his face, his BODY - staring up at him with a very unnerving glint in... her eyes? His eyes? 

And to top it off, instead of the feel of being buried deep in Granger, he could feel the fullness and stretch of his cock INSIDE the damnable woman’s body. 

And he refused to acknowledge that it... felt a lot better than the reverse. 

Especially when Hermione smirked, rolling them again to take advantage of his shock. She snapped his hips back and then forwards, and he definitely did NOT mewl like a pathetic kitten at how GOOD it felt. 

Tom Riddle was a MAN, damnit.


End file.
